Some people don’t like the language used by IFS; in particular, the concept of Self doesn’t sit well with everyone. Plural groups might feel that it dehumanizes their selves, for example, or they may find that there are many instances of Self within their system. Other folks may find that the idea of Self gets in the way of doing actual parts work.
While a lot of IFS does rely on the concept of Self, you can still get good use from the framework without it. The key is recognizing what it represents, then finding ways to move that into language and concepts that feel more comfortable.
Changing the Language
Self encompasses a set of traits:
- Calm
- Clarity
- Curiosity
- Compassion
- Confidence
- Courage
- Creativity
- Connectedness
Instead of asking whether you’re in Self, you might find it helpful to consider whether you’re approaching your system with these attributes in mind. Treating your system as hostile entities to push away or ignore won’t help you live with them. Approaching them with compassion and curiosity will help.
Self also encompasses Presence; awareness of the here-and-now and a willingness to simply observe what happens without making judgement on it. You could reframe Self as a state of grounding in your present experiences, as loving attention from adult selves, as mindfulness, or as any other idea that encompasses similar themes of non-judgmental attention from the present.
Changing the Concept
IFS often assumes that you can unblend from Parts. This model doesn’t make sense to everyone, particularly if you’re approaching your mind from a plural framework in which parts of the mind are understood and interacted with as independent minds/selves of their own. If you don’t understand yourself/selves as having a core / higher self, then the idea of Self seems absurd.
The purpose of unblending is to find perspective and balance between parts instead of letting one run the show. The same goals can be accomplished without ever bringing in the idea of unblending. Instead, try the following:
- Ask if there are any parts that disagree with the one most present at the moment, or that have additional context to add.
- If there are, then ask those parts to come forward and join them (or sit side-by-side, or otherwise share Presence with them).
- If needed, ask if there are any parts willing to mediate between the present parts. Ask them to come forward as well.
See also: Alternatives to Unblending
A Note for Plural Groups
The above modifications can help remove the aspects of IFS that seem to bother a lot of plural groups- namely, the idea of there being a single, fundamental Self that’s the essence of a person, which can be perceived as an insistence that system members aren’t people in their own right (personally, I think that’s not what IFS’s Self is getting at and it’s a language problem more than anything, but I digress- if the concept as you understand it is what bothers you, that’s completely understandable).
In addition to doing IFS between members of the system, you might want to try doing IFS within each member of the system- that is, finding and working with the parts of each of you (minds can be Turtles All The Way Down!). IFS between system members can help folks get in better contact with each other and resolve conflicts, and it can help you work out who needs to be heard most. IFS within a system member seems more helpful for resolving issues with individual behavioral patterns and pain points.
Not every part that you find has to be associated with a system member. They might be free-floating or unattached. You can treat them as another system member, or you can treat them in whichever other ways make sense for you. Regardless, treat them with respect.