In almost every group I’ve been in, there’s been one person who’s unsure about who they are. It’s understandable. Identity is hard to figure out, especially when it’s so nebulous, and many of these people grew up in difficult situations that taught them to hide their true self to stay safe. It takes time to figure yourself out after that.
Some of these people seem to outsource their identity to others: “Am I this? Would you say that this label describes my experiences? Is this actually what I’m experiencing? Am I valid?” It feels to me like they don’t trust themselves to know who they are.
Unfortunately, these questions can’t truly be answered by other people, and this thought is for the people asking them.
Asking questions can help, but other people can’t answer the question of who you are. The only person who can do that is you. No matter how many people you ask, you still need to introspect to figure out how you want to understand yourself.
This can be scary if you haven’t learned to trust yourself yet. Many of us grew up being taught that we were wrong about ourselves. Being constantly told that other people knew better made it easy to internalize that message of “I don’t know myself”.
That internalized message is wrong. Other people don’t know what’s happening inside your head. Even if you tell them what you’re experiencing, they’re still seeing it from an outside perspective. Other people can never truly know what it's like to be you. All they can do is guess. You don’t have to guess; you are you. This makes you the expert on yourself. You know yourself better than anyone else ever will.
I know that saying that you can know yourself and believing it are two different things. At one point, believing that others knew better might have protected you. It might have prevented caregivers or authority figures from getting upset with you, or it might have protected you in another way. That belief could have been very important. This doesn’t mean that you can’t change it; it just means that it’ll take some time and work. It’s very worthwhile to tackle it, and with any luck, I’ll write something about how to do this later.
Potential self-trust issues aside, relying on others to confirm or deny your experiences/identity usually isn’t the best idea. Yes, someone else can make a guess about your identity. They can form their own ideas of who you are, and they can tell you about those ideas. That doesn’t mean that those ideas will be accurate. Oftentimes, they’re wrong.
Other people have not lived your life, and their understanding of you will be biased by their life experiences. People like to see themselves in others. If they meet someone that seems to have the same identity bits as them, then they’re going to assume that they’re right more often than not. Again, this can be inaccurate to what’s really going on; they’re seeing themselves, not you.
There’s also the risk of being manipulated by whoever you’re asking. Controlling someone else’s identity is a powerful thing, and some people will jump at the chance to decide who you are. This opens you up to a lot of hurt.
If you need outside reassurance about your experiences/identity, then it’s often better to ask about other people’s experiences to see if they’re familiar to you. If you think that you might be aromantic, then it might help you to ask aromantic people to describe their experiences. It’s also worth asking people that don’t have those experiences to describe themselves. Hearing about something that you don’t experience often makes it obvious that it’s not relevant to you.
“Am I valid?” is a stupid question. Outsourcing your sense of self-worth and acceptance to internet strangers is where it really goes wrong.
Really, what does it mean to be “valid” anymore? Does it mean being socially acceptable and pleasing to others? Does it mean being normal or common? Is any of that something you want to prioritize over self-acceptance? Why ask if you’re “valid” when you’re really asking if you’re a terrible person for having an experience? Why ask when no one can say “no” without looking like a jerk?
Like I said, it’s become a stupid question. Ask what you really mean instead.
See also: You Are Not Worthless, You Are Not Inherently Bad (common causes of this distortion)