Necessary context: Internal Family Systems
From The Integral Guide to Well-Being
Protectors and Exiles both have the ability to not overwhelm us and to instead pace themselves.
“If an exile agrees to not overwhelm, it won’t. That agreement has never been violated in the 30 some years I’ve been doing this.”
— Richard Schwartz
Working with Exiles
Let them know:
- “If you overwhelm me, protectors will separate us and I won’t be able to help you.”
- It’s your own best interest.
- Exiles are safer when they’re unblended from us because protectors won’t jump in. Ask why they want to blend. Usually we get something back like “If I don’t blend, you’ll leave me.” So we negotiate with love, kindness, love, tenderness, and gently help them feel safe to not blend. This is counterintuitive if you’re a young child who has gone years without help.
Exiles can sometimes feel unwanted if they’re asked to not overwhelm. So we phrase carefully. “Ask this little one to not totally overwhelm you with their pain. They can give you a large amount of the feelings and thoughts, so you can really get what happened to them and be with them without being overwhelmed.” Sometimes they still react negatively. Apologize and explain that you aren’t trying to make them feel unwelcome, that you just wanted to make it easier for you to help them by not being overwhelmed. Try to make it up to them, try again.
On Reactive Protectors
Reactive Protectors (like drinking) don’t always agree to not do their jobs if you go to their exiles. They might say they’ll try not to. They might agree and then do their jobs anyway because they’re so triggered. But the agreement helps Proactive Protectors relax and usually even if these Reactive Protectors do get triggered they aren’t as triggered as they otherwise would have been. If this happens, don’t freak out about it. Just go to the numbing parts. Ask why they did what they did, make adjustments so they don’t have to in the future. Don’t shame, don’t be scared.
The Integral Guide to Well-Being, Most parts can choose to not overwhelm us if asked, 2024