“I know that being non-binary doesn’t mean you have to be androgynous, but I feel like a bit of an idiot for being so completely male-coded. How do you deal with that sort of feeling?”
What’s helped for me is remembering that we live in a culture that often has a flawed gender system that equates gender with presentation (even within queer groups). It’s easy to have internalized some of that issue yourself when you’re surrounded by it, and it’s something that needs to be processed out to let it go. You don’t have to be androgynous to be “really” nonbinary. You don’t have to be anything. You already are what you are.
By presenting however you’re comfortable and being honest with people about who and how you are, you get to teach others what authenticity looks like, and you learn how to be comfortable with yourself as you are in a social context. I’ve found that some people really respect that authenticity. Others are jerks about it, but I’m not here to cater to people that hate me for being myself, you know? They’re responsible for working themselves out. Following what feels right for you draws in people who can like you for yourself rather than whatever standards the world sets for how you should be (which includes queer standards!).
There’s also the whole “validation has to come from you, not them” issue. People can affirm or deny you all they want, but it’s not going to directly change whether you can believe and support yourself. Learning to do that helps a lot (easier said than done- heck, I’m still working on it myself- but worth it so far). Other people’s perceptions don’t have to match yours, and they don’t change who you are even if they’re different from how you see yourself. You’re still nonbinary/genderqueer/etc. even if you always get read as male or female. That’s something you can learn to feel secure in regardless of what others think if you can decouple your self-perception from other people’s opinions. And then that makes space for expanding what you allow yourself to be, which helps others accept variance by example.
TL;DR: focus on being yourself and doing what makes you feel best in your skin. The feeling works itself out as you’re more open and authentic with people.
(Self-authored, I think?)