Your internal critic is trying to help. Its methods might not be very pleasant and you might resent its efforts, but it genuinely is trying to do something important. It wouldn’t be so cruel if it didn’t have a very good reason for doing so- and no, the reason is not that you deserve the insults. More likely, the reason is that you only listen and change your behavior when it’s especially hateful.
Yelling at the critic for doing its job is like yelling at an underpaid IT desk worker trying to help you fix your PC. You might not like what they have to say, but they are trying to help despite a lack of appreciation for the work they do. Both of you will get what you want if you can find a way to react with compassion, not hatred, and you’re a lot more likely to get a working computer out of the interaction if the IT guy knows that you’ll follow their advice to prevent another visit to the IT desk in the future.
I know it’s hard. I know that the critic says some truly nasty shit to you- mine likes to lecture me on the many reasons it thinks I should die or hurt myself over something as petty as saying “hello” weirdly. It absolutely does hurt to be told you’re not good enough by a voice inside your own head, and you’re right to feel upset about it. But you also need to be kind to that voice. Hate doesn’t fix hate.
Your critic is trying to help. If you can find a way to react with more compassion, then it might not have to be so cruel when it’s trying to get your attention or make you listen. It might soften. Follow up on your promises, try to understand what your critic is scared will happen if it’s kinder to you, find an angle that lets you appreciate what it’s trying to do, and be patient with yourself. You can do this.
The critic has your back (even if it doesn’t seem that way right now). Remember that.
Andrew asked me about his name, ‘The Judge’. This question helped me to see that a part of his purpose was obvious in his name: he was a critic, he was the holder of my moral values, and he held me to account against these values with a savage and unwavering focus. The Judge’s view was pretty much that I must be entirely and absolutely good and pure, or I must die. Andrew told me that almost everyone has a critic part of themselves, and sometimes they can be very strong.
As I sat there, thinking about how terrifying and brutal the Judge could be, Andrew shared his own reflection:
“It sounds like the Judge has a lot of responsibility. I wonder if he might be lonely.”
I began to visualize the Judge as an angry, screaming baby in distress. And I would hold my hand to my forehead, the way that a mother does to a sick child, the way that Mrs Ingalls would, and whisper to the Judge, I love you, I hear you, I know you are hurting, I know you only want me to be good.
Indigo Daya, Creating a New Voice, 2016
See also: Softening the Critic, Internal Family Systems