Parts can be befriended. Your parts put a lot of effort into keeping you safe in some way, but they’re more than the job they do. Getting to know them helps you learn to trust each other and lets you work together more effectively, letting you make positive change in your life.
First Meetings
You can speak to your parts in words, images, feelings, or any other sort of thought/feeling you can have normally. Mentally aim it at them. If you need an analogue, it’s a bit like prayer (if you’re familiar with that). Trust your gut instinct here; you already know how to talk to your parts.
You can also ask questions to get a better sense of who they are.
- How are they? What’s on their mind?
- How old are they? How old do they think you are?
- Is there anything they want you to call them?
- What do they like? What do they dislike?
- What feels important to them? What do they want?
- What do they do in your system? Why do they do it?
- How do they feel about their job? Do they like it? If not, what do they wish they could do instead?
- What are they worried about?
- What do they want you to know about them? What do they want you to know about yourself? What do they want you to do?
- Is there anything you can do to help them feel safer? What do they need to trust you?
Let your parts know how much you appreciate what they do for you. They’ve been doing this for a long time, possibly without rest or thanks, and they may not even want to be doing this job. Sharing how much you appreciate their efforts can mean a lot to them.
When Parts Trust You
Learning more about a part’s fears can help you both make positive changes. Asking about fears can also be an emotionally charged conversation for some parts, so make sure that you come at this from a place of compassion. Give them your full attention and hear them out on their terms.
What are they afraid would happen if they didn’t do their job, or if they softened in some way? What’s stopping them from doing something else or stepping back?
Validate their fears. Those fears come from somewhere (often past trauma or reactions to trauma), and your parts have been working very, very hard to protect against these fears. They need to know that you’re not going to steamroll past them. Let them know that you hear and believe them, and that you’re not going to force past their fears.
It’s okay to provide reassurance or reality checks on fears, but don’t contradict them. Instead, demonstrate that you’ve heard them and are taking their fears seriously. It’s the difference between:
“I hear that you’re scared these feelings are too much for me. I’ve been learning some coping skills, and I’ve been able to deal with big feelings like these, but I trust your judgement and I don’t want to be overwhelmed either. Is there a way we could process these feelings where we can work together to moderate how intense they are? That way, if they do get to be too much, we can stop or reduce the intensity. Maybe we can ask the part holding these feelings to give them to us in smaller doses so it never gets to be too much.”
and
“I get you’re scared, but it’s not that bad. I can take it if you’d just let me.”
Do the former, not the latter. You’re working together, not against each other. If you find yourself getting impatient or frustrated, then you might need to unblend.
Additional Notes
Avoid getting to know your parts just so you can move past them. If you find that you’re only talking to a part because they’re blocking your progress (rather than out of curiosity, compassion, etc.), then you may want to think about Unblending.
Similarly, do not force interaction. Go at the pace of your parts. Remember: if you find yourself getting impatient or frustrated, then you might need to unblend.
If you’re in Self but a part doesn’t seem to want to interact (or doesn’t notice you), then you can try sitting quietly next to them and/or letting them know that you’re willing to listen to them whenever they feel ready. Give them time and space to decide when they want to open up to you.
Expect to repeat this process. Just like anyone else, parts often take time to open up and begin to trust you. The more you interact with them, the more they’ll be willing to tell you.
Also remember that parts can moderate the intensity of what they share with you.